Breath as Time
Written by Nina Lee Bennett
Let’s play a game, my darling.
For a moment, put your multitasking mind on hold and let’s experience something together.
Take a deep breath. Exhale. And again. And again. Until you stop thinking about the dishes in the sink and that upcoming deadline. Until you realize the life you’ve let in through that breath. That breath that makes your mind twirl. That breath that buys you more time. That one breath that allows you to be who you want to be. Are you ready? Good. Let’s go.
I want you to close your eyes and think of your first sexual encounter. No, not the kisses and the touching, these do not count. That first time that you actually had sex with someone. That first time you bled. Or not. That first time someone ignited your body in ways you never thought possible.
That VERY first time you felt : this is really happening.
Allow yourself to return to that body and to that moment. Feel again what you once felt. Is it excitement? Is it love? Adventure? Pain? Disappointment? Abandonment? Despair?
Are you smiling? Let it shine. Are you crying? Let it flow. Allow your breath to connect you to your feelings. Feel them in your heart, in your groins, in your soul.
Let all these feelings surround your being. This is your beginning. Perhaps you experimented on your own before, but this time it is different. When you experience the fragility of having your body, naked and exposed in front of someone else, it is a powerful moment that crystallizes in your memory forever.
Take another breath and be honest.
If you could connect with yourself at that moment what would you say? Would you change something? Would you choose differently? A different person? A different setting? A different time?
If you could describe your first time would it be a happy story? Would you share it with others, or is there a sense of embarrassment? Were you appreciated and loved your first time? Were you rejected? Were you respected or was it hurtful?
Stay still and scan your body for any tensions. How is this memory still affecting you physically?
I have been thinking about my first time a lot recently. I have been openly sharing my experience with some friends and listening to theirs. All types of circumstances have come up, a variety of feelings and memories.
What I have been reflecting on most actively after these conversations is how the first time you have sex with another person is such a pillar in your sexual timelineIt creates a precedent with the power to trigger amazing or hurtful memories and it could forge our sexual expression for years to come.
Consider your desires now.
What do you like in bed? Do you prefer to give pleasure or to receive pleasure? Do you experiment? Are you violent? Are you monogamous or polygamous? Do you feel present while having sex or are you distant?
To what degree do you feel your sexual behaviours and preferences have been influenced by your first sexual encounter?
Give yourself time to reflect on that for a while. Connect with your breath as it slows down and let your mind wander through your sexual biography.
Generations of young people are experiencing their own first time each day and rely on us to teach them how to make conscious and healthy decisions in regards to that moment. There is no right or wrong path, but there is a responsible one.
Virginity needs not to be seen as virtue, nor having sex as a technicality or a procedure. What needs to be considered though is that the first sexual encounter holds a unique power as it has the ability to differentiate two life eras. Your first time cannot be re-experienced. It cannot be altered nor recreated in any way and, as such, waiting for a partner who makes you feel protected could add value to this moment and potentially set the path to a healthier sexual life.
And waiting isn’t necessarily dependent on age. It has more to do with maturing, with being able to open up and share with others, understand the consequences of your actions and decide what you truly want. Stepping into the active sexual era of our lives feels like being pushed out of a womb, only this time you are born an adult being offered the chance to make responsible decisions about his/her/their own sexual conduct. And, as our mother’s protective hug is waiting for us on the other side of the birth canal, why not have a loving partner to accompany us through this journey of sexual awakening?
Now, the burning question is how could you possibly explain all of that to rebellious teenagers with burning hormones and social expectations and comparisons breathing down their neck? Trial and error works wonders. But before trying anything, first cultivate an environment of openness, without judgment.
And ridding judgment starts with yourself, in accepting your own sexual biography and looking forward. And at the same time, you can use all this experience and accumulated wisdom in order to nurture others. Talk to the young people around you about everything. To your kids, your nephews, your best friend’s kid. Let them ask questions, no matter how silly they may sound. Ask them questions to understand what they are going through. Be present. Be honest. Be always honest. Do not try to make up stories about bees and flowers. Our actions originate from emotion, and this cannot be explained through any nature metaphor. Be the person they turn to for advice. Be the curious mum, the naked dad. Be the weird uncle/aunt, that is perfectly ok.
Educate based on your past. Open up and share. Do not be afraid. Turn your personal experience into a learning path for them as we, humans, are more inclined to learn through an empathetic anecdote than from any book. Give them time to understand the rules of adulthood. Give them time to feel joy. To feel hurt. Give them time to accept their sexual preferences. Give them refuge. Give them hope. And in the meantime, remind them to breathe.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold. And again. Until the breath reaches every part of the body. Until the breath gives them the time to see things clearer. Until time becomes their most precious ally.
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